Hey! Want some more advice?

Of COURSE you do. Because you haven’t had enough people ramming their ‘oh you must’s down your throat since you announced your pregnancy, right? So here goes: things I’ve learnt in these first four gripping months of motherhood:

  1. You can NEVER have too many places for a baby to sleep. We have: the cocoonababy, the snuzpod, the crib, the moses basket, the ergo baby, the swing, the vibrating chair, the other vibrating chair that came with the swing, the pram bassinet, the car seat, my arms. And yet he STILL complains every time we put him down. I know.
  2. Babies have no shame when it comes to commencing a really dramatic poo.
  3. Toys are overrated. His HANDS, though? His hands are AWESOME. He can spend hours just staring at his right fist. I’m hoping this is common and not a precursor to some neurological blip or being a serial killer. Both of which are my standard go-to concerns.
  4. Poppers were invented by a man.
  5. Babies really do throw up a lot. And not just that little delicate spit up – like proper columns of sick roaring out of him like ectoplasm.
  6. Pram shoes are the biggest swindle on the planet. My house is dotted with lonely little shoes in the shape of bears and frogs and bunnies destined to never be reunited with their partner. I’d feel guilty if they weren’t so shit at the only job they have – STAYING ON THEIR FUCKING FEET. Now I know why the sales assistant smiled when I paid £13 for a pair in The White Company. One of that pair is on the dashboard of my car. The other I last saw in the spare room. Both make me feel annoyed whenever I see them.
  7. Babies really don’t need many clothes. Ten undervests, a couple of top vests. Some leggings and joggers. Couple of jumpers and ten sleepsuits. And a coat and cardigan – both in navy/neutral. And a hat. We had two drawers full of newborn stuff and wore the same ten vests and sleep suits on rotation. What you need is shit loads of bibs and socks. The best socks we had came in a BabyBloom bouquet – they never fall off, much to the disappointment of the dog who loves herself some baby sock.
  8. Sometimes babies sleep a lot. Sometimes babies don’t sleep at all. Both times when you Google it, the internet will tell you they’re about to die.
  9. Sometimes babies eat a lot. Sometimes babies don’t eat much at all. Both times when you Google it, the internet will tell you they’re about to die.
  10. Do Not Google ANYTHING. Other than things babies can sleep in and Star Wars costumes for dogs.
  11. Relax. Everyone else is winging it too.
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